Singing a NEW psalm

Daddy and Caleb @ North Shore
Christmas Day
Mochi making day! With powdery faces!
a Saturday afternoon with my boys (while daddy works OT to pay the bills!)
Christmas Picture 2009 by Patrick Doyle

You could probably guess a couple reasons as to why I haven't blogged since November and most likely be right. I have written a couple of half done entries in the past few months but never finished and posted it. But things are a little better now so I thought that if anyone still checks this then I better fill them in.

We had a great Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's despite the stress that came in many forms. I've realized many things in the past few months which has put me on an emotional roller coaster all by myself. I've realized the things that I need to do for myself to keep me sane and am trying to balance it all out.

I'm constantly thinking about the budget cuts going on and how much harder it will be if more nursing hours are cut. Caleb is currently not getting physical or speech therapy either and he was doing so well up until his last authorized visits. I can't understand how they can take away nursing hours from us and many other families or therapy sessions which all these kids need so much! In this world of medical insurance there is just no heart or understanding for the kids who really need it all.

On January 3rd, I was heading home from church with Caleb and Micaiah. We were a block away from our church when I ran a yellow light (which turned red as soon as I passed through). I realized what I had done and the first thing that came to mind was speed up and make it through the intersection. So I did. The car that was coming in the farthest lane before I got all the way across the intersection hit our van right in the middle. (Where Caleb sits.) Our van spun, flipped, and ended up laying on its (passengers) side, facing the opposite direction in which we were heading and knocking down the traffic light. It all happened so fast. I knew we were going to get hit just before we did and all I remember is looking back at my boys as we quickly flipped. GOD WAS WITH US. There is no doubt about that. I quickly unstrapped myself and tended to the boys. Micaiah was sitting in his carseat still strapped in and perfectly fine. I talked to him as I unstrapped Caleb who was also still strapped into his wheelchair but very uncomfortably. There were people who surrounded us to help. A man came through what was previously our back window and unstrapped Micaiah and took him out. (which is one of the two things that traumatized him the most). We were all taken by ambulance to the ER which was right by where our accident had occurred. Micaiah and I were released within an hour with no injuries. Micaiah didn't even have a scratch on him and was back to his rascal self in 2 hours! For Caleb, they had to do xrays and a cat scan so it took a bit longer but he had no injuries either. Just a tiny scratch above his lip (which went away within 3 days) and a small bruise on his right hand. The MIRACLE tally is sure adding up in our family! Our very expensive wheelchair accessible van however was not as fortunate. It is totaled. I can't even describe how grateful I was that my boys were completely unharmed. God is GREAT! But I still burried myself in an emotional pit. Thoughts plagued my mind... "It was my fault." "I could have lost both of my boys." "How could I?" "What ifs.." "Now we're gonna suffer even more financially..." The list goes on... But Brandon knew all that I was feeling and brought me out of the pit. I felt so much better after talking to him about it all and was able to start moving on from the horrible thoughts and what ifs to WHAT IS. And I am more than thankful for WHAT IS.

Caleb has been doing well in every way. Micaiah got pneumonia and we tried our best to keep them separated. We thought Caleb was getting sick because he needed to be on 1 liter of oxygen for about 24 hours but was able to come off of it. We checked his temperature frequently to make sure too. It could have been the horrible vog that was bothering Caleb.

Micaiah loves school. I am happy about that but also frustrated. We can't afford it and we already owe his school money. I thought about taking him out of school but he deserves to be there. His first two years of life revolved around Caleb and his appointments and care. And when I asked him if he wanted to stay home and not go to school anymore he said "No, I like school." Micaiah asks to go to school now and is excited about it. He even asked me if he could go to computer class (which we were previously sending him to) but can no longer afford it. If we could use a credit card to pay for his school that would work. But of course we would be putting ourselves in a lot of debt too. This all brings me back to..."If only I could work" or "If only I could finish school"...but then, how could I work anyways? And the load of frustrations start to uproot again.

God's promises are greater than I know. So despite all that has happened and the thoughts and feelings that have been plaguing me, I know that the one thing that I have to look forward to is all of HIS promises.

On the brighter side, Caleb recently had a follow up visit with his ENT on Tuesday and then the surgeon that did his trach and gtube on Wednesday. His ENT said that she doesn't think he is ready to be decanulated which was expected. But his surgeon, whom we last saw at the end of 2007 said otherwise. He had also told us somewhat the same thing the last time we took Caleb in to see him just not as in depth as this time. He says he highly believes that Caleb does not need his trach and explained to us all the reasons that support his suspicion. I excitedly agreed and so did Caleb. He said he just has a different philosophy and respects and sees where his other doctor is coming from. But it all made sense when he explained everything and we certainly agree! Caleb has never aspirated or had an aspirated pneumonia. Having a trach makes it easier to get a regular pneumonia. Hmmm. That's quite familiar. Everytime he has gone back into the hospital was from a pneumonia that developed in his trachea or from a cold! Of course, there are downfalls to having his trach removed. But I'm going to trust in God that it will all work out! I know that Caleb does not need it too and Caleb has waited so long for it to come out! So we will soon start to wean him off of the trach by putting something that will prohibit him from breathing through his trach. It's about time!

They also weighed and measure Caleb and he is at the 25% for his age but lower than 5% for his BMI. But the doctor said that the main thing is that he is growing. He does not need more calories to fatten him up! He just has a really high metabolism like Brandon and Micaiah. He has sure sprouted in height over the past several months!

Our weekly bible study group is going through psalms in which we all pick our favorite one and study one of them a week. We also have a portion in the psalm in which we hold one another accountable to memorize week after week. This past week we studied psalm 40 which was so wonderfully appropriate for my life at the moment. Our memory verse is psalm 40: 1-3

"I waited patiently for the Lord;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the Lord."

This has been one of my favorite verses for awhile but this time it has given me a new perspective. David was going through a lot in this psalm and waiting for the Lord to save him. But these three verses comes first. David saw the outcome before. He declared in faith that God had already brought him through his troubles before it actually happened in the physical. He had great faith and trusted that God would pull him through even though things were so terrible!

So, I'm striving to be like David and sing this psalm in my heart in a new way!